it doesn't matter what they think.
it doesn't matter what anyone thinks.
they know nothing, as do i.
they can say nothing that will be truth enough.


i am untouchable.
i live by what i feel and see.
too wild to care about what most become entangled with,
too curious to trap myself like those whose cages i pass.


i am this incredible freedom.


i am this--
and i live here,

within my own, completely intangible reality.

about 1/8 tank of gas

as the uncertainty of life engulfs my thoughts,

and i find myself feeling a little trapped, a little cornered,

i say it is time for a drive;

a drive through the ocean of farm pastures,

where the grassy hills seem to extend to the end of the horizon.

where black cows and painted horses graze and rest under the charred trees.

on the narrow road rolling around the hills,

i ride the winding asphalt as smoothly as an ice skater dances on the ice.

i speed, yelling to the wind, what exactly is frustrating me,

and in that instant all the negativity is gone,

thrown out my open window.

and all that is left is my radio blasting, the sun shining above me,

as the wind blows my hair in all directions,

and i can't help but smile from ear to ear.

earthy

why do i close my eyes and lift my face to the stormy sky?

why do i cover myself in mud,

as i dig my hands into the rich, moist soil?

why do i kneel, here, on the wet grass,

and wiggle my toes into the soaked, spongy moss?

why do i crouch like a hunting wild cat,

and lick the rain water collected in a flower?

to feel... raw.

almost tangible

between the metal bars and concrete pillars
of this five-story parking garage,
i can see the sky;
the sky that is pure after the rain,
and the sun which slowly turns the day into evening.
i want to be free like those birds flying across the clouds;
with nothing holding me.
only air.
only what i want to do- to be.

my heart sings, extolling the teal sky.

hearing music play in my head,

i breathe deeper,

hoping to catch a whiff of what i'm feeling.

i must remember,

that in this small moment,

i truly existed.

reminders

a tiny moment, which jeopardizes my life. my existence.
within myself, beyond explanation.
dormant thoughts, entangled in my personality, hurricane through me.
like a racing horse, like a sprinting cat-my heart beats furiously.
i tingle.
my eyes weigh as stones.
exhausted as i am, my mind parades in agony and pleasure.
my body floats, between this and other worlds.
other worlds.
what is reality now? what am i now?

midnight

sitting on your lap
in the passenger's seat of your old car.
my legs stretching across the seats,
feet resting on the steering wheel,
as your mellow rock music hums from the radio.
the dim street lamps create sharp shadows on your face,
and i've never seen such a beautiful man.
your lips firm and soft, your hairline straight and perfect.
gleaming blue eyes focused on me... reading me.
the scent of your musky skin.
our slow, deep breaths synchronizing,
we fog the frosted windows.
there is no where i'd rather be.

cowboys

it was like a dream.

the green hills around the farmhouse,

rain falling quietly from the misty, silver sky.
and you, a cowboy,
you took me across the fern-covered meadow,
riding our horses through the muddy slopes.
amidst the pitter-patter of raindrops falling in the puddles,

the beat of horse hooves plodding through the clumpy mud,

our friends laughed with us as we trotted through the rainy mountains.

we were there for hours, and we got drenched,

and you lent me your spare jeans and sweater because i was so cold,

and you became a part of my favorite memory.

the first one

i remember those summer afternoons, lying under that tree in the park, and we'd talk about everything. i remember you smiling with a giant orange peel in your mouth, and how you'd keep dropping the ball at your baseball game, just so you could wave at me.

i loved that.

i remember ditching school so we could run off and get sandwiches down the street, and you'd get upset because i never wanted to go back to class. i remember watching you through my eyelashes, as i pretended to sleep, and you'd look over at me, every so often, and smile.

i loved that.

i remember dancing with you on a starry, autumn evening, your silver tuxedo glowing in the moonlight. i was your lady in red, you'd said. i remember you sneaking in through my bedroom window at midnight, just so we could get one more kiss.

i loved that.

so long ago, it seems, but i remember you. i wanted to be with you, you see. i wanted you always- to have you near me, to feel your minty breath, your cologne, to look up at you, as we embraced during a teen comedy, and see the tip of your upper lip twitch. i loved that. i loved you.

colorado

sometimes, i daydream about you.

curious to know what you would be like these days,

mindful of the thought that i would most definitely fall for you,

i think of you as you were.

i think of that time we sat on the grass together,

giggling silently in the crowded field,

as we ignored the boring lecture in front of us.

i whispered to you.

you leaned in closer to listen,

placing your hand on my back,

fingers barely touching my shirt-and i was filled with butterflies.

then you came,

all the way from colorado,

just to see me.

and i didn't dare tell you how much i'd thought of you;

how your presence, your aura, tickled my every sense.

and you vanished from my world, like you had never even existed.

for those like me

for those like me, i can empathize with your suffering.

i know what it is like to have those feelings. those feelings you can't control or overcome. feelings that possess your personality and thoughts. only people like us know what it's like to truly feel crazy.

for those like me, i know what is it like to become crippled by your own mind. what it is like to constantly feel hopeless, useless, lost, and afraid. people like us, suffer quietly, hurt ourselves secretly, fight ourselves daily. people like us, live our lives feeling weak; feeling like we can't help ourselves.

for those like me, who suffer from mental disorders, i say, you have a choice to make. a choice between finding happiness-finding yourself- or continuing to suffer the way you do. a choice to change or to stay the same. if you choose to stay the same, then don't read any further.

if you choose to change, begin to accept the idea that you are not weak, simply human, with human defects, like every other person on this earth. when you think about it, do you know anyone that doesn't have at least one physical problem? diabetes, arthritis, vision problems, down syndrome.... all these are examples of medical problems in different areas of the body. these, and all others, are treated with therapies and medications. why not neurological problems?

your brain is the most delicate, complicated, beautiful organ your body possesses. it runs everything- every breath, every eye movement, every muscle shift, every thought, everything. it would make sense that slight chemical imbalances between neurons would cause problems such as seizures and tourette syndrome. being so important in our body's function, wouldn't it also be possible for defects in the brain to cause changes in thought patterns and behavior? what about emotions?

in my 15-year journey dealing with my own mental disorders, i've come to find that the brain is very magnificent and fragile and that medications can highly alter how it functions. medications can make or break you. i sure am not a doctor or anything close to, but, here's my tips from my own experiences, for coping with mental disorders and finding the right treatment for your own, unique brain:

find doctors and neurologists who care about you.

do some research to narrow down the symptoms and diseases linked with your emotional cycles. this will help, both you and your doctor, find the illness you truly have, so you can find the proper treatment.

be open to try new medications, but know all the side effects and follow your trusted doctors' instructions perfectly.

be honest with your doctors and follow up with them monthly about how your feeling physically and emotionally.

don't feel that you are weak.

open up about your illness to your loved ones. having the people around you understand what you're going through is just as important as the treatment itself. you're bound to have many mood swings and negative side effects as you seek the proper medication. ask for their patience and support during this important time.

find time to read and meditate. it is food for your brain.

lower your stress levels as much as possible. if you are young, move back home with your parents for a while, get an easy, stress-less job, take a break from school. this is your time for rehabilitation, for healing.

exercise.

if you are a religious person, don't feel bad if you are struggling with your spirituality. people with mental disorders have a harder time connecting spiritually than other people. give yourself time and be open-minded.

go for a peaceful drive up the canyon or walk through the park when you feel overwhelmed. sit and talk with someone who loves you about what you're feeling and thinking.

avoid people that bring you down.

take time to find things you enjoy and are passionate about. learning to find yourself is great therapy for depression and other mental illnesses.

spend time in nature.

keep a journal of how you feel. even if you aren't any good at writing, leaving your feelings on paper does wonders for your mood.

above all, don't ever give up. don't ever let yesterday affect your today.

each morning, you have the gift of being able to start again, a clean slate. be conscious of your efforts, find those things that make you come alive, make each day a step forward, and one day you'll wake up and realize that you made it- that you conquered yourself.